Wow, posting fiend

[darkelf105]

Here is the new, plolished version of the Broken Lands prologue....and some crappy art by me and some not so crappy by rokk_lobster.

                                

Didn't feel like making a new post for this, so this is edited today (17th) frin the original.

 

 

 

Broken Lands Prologue: Silvanost’s Forest

 

 

            Silvanost Oakbower looked at the frowning face of his adolescent daughter and sighed.

 

            “I’m sorry that you are bored, Lia,” he said gently, “ but this is very important. K’elden Oakbower is the single most important man in the history of our people.”

 

            “If he’s so important, why are you the only one that knows about him?” she asked. Lia flopped back on her pillow and began to pick imaginary lint from it.

           

 “Yes, I know, but that is why I am telling you, dear one.” He smiled as she scowled. “K’elden has largely been relegated to a footnote in the history of our people because no one understood exactly what he did, or why he was slain for it. He is simply listed as one of the causes of the split of the elven race. But he did more than that. His death was not just a cause for revenge. It was the death of hope for peace. Those who fell do not to this day, I think, realize how much evil they really did on the day they murdered K’elden.”

 

            “Why?” asked Lia. Silvanost’s fierce blue eyes gazed down on her. Her own green orbs would perhaps one day burn with the fire that flared in his.

 

            “Lia, we are a very old people, and because of that, many would think wise as well, but elves have always been callous towards the ways of the heart. Our long years make it hard for us to see from the perspective of others. The stream of time has carried us further along it banks and thus when we see the world it is from a different shore than others. Most particularly humans. K’elden Oakbower was going to change that.”

“You are starting to the feel web in your dreams, are you not, Lia?  At night, when your mind is still and your heart is roaming the  during the black and silent hours, you can feel the thoughts and dreams of everyone in the kingdom. Or at least some of them?”

 

            Lia nodded. “Well,” continued Silvanost, “ it was not always that way. When all the elves were one, in the distant past, we could not feel each other the way we do now. Our hearts were not bound together as they are here in this forest, they were separate and distant and what little feelings we had for each other often times went unsaid.”

           

            “So elves didn’t feel anything once upon a time?” asked Lia, her tone biting. Her sarcasm hurt. Silvanost had not meant for this to sound like just another bedtime story. It was a history that she as well as all of his people needed to know. K’elden’s time was coming. Silvanost could feel it. It was written in the stars and the forest whispered of the great elf’s rebirth. He could feel it now, singing. K’elden was close.

 

            “Listen to me well, girl,” growled Silvanost. Lia shrank under his anger. ”I do not tell you this for your entertainment, but because you are the next generation and the world which you will inherit from me will be much changed. I have worked long and hard to bring peace to these lands, but one comes who will forever be able to guard this forest. The world threatens to swallow the elven people whole. I will not let that happen. But elves also must live in the world as well and thus must learn to exist peaceably with its other inhabitants. I will not wage a perpetual war to save the elven people. I will make peace. You will inherit this peace, but also the responsibility of keeping it, which in ways, will be harder to do than what I have done.”

 

            “But father, you speak as if the forest were under attack….” Lia trailed off. She saw the look of profound sorrow on her father’s fierce, handsome face.

 

            “My daughter, the people of this forest would like to pretend that nothing could penetrate our green home. But it is not true. The spell that has guarded this kingdom since the time of the Fallen One’s is weakening. It will not be able to stop what is coming, I fear. The Kingdom of the Undead stirs and something more sinister besides. There is also Garen’Nuir. I worry, for in those black lands, thousands of monsters gather. I do not think that the humans and their paltry wall will be able to hold. No my dear, we are besieged on all sides.”

 

            “ We have armies and warriors and magic….and what spell?” she asked, remembering what her father had just said.

 

            “You do not find it strange that there are no invaders in these woods? That the evil beasts that wander into these woods oft time go mad and kill themselves before our rangers are even aware of them?”

 

            “I never thought about it. The rangers don’t kill the monsters?”

 

            “As I have said, most times the monster is dead before the rangers arrive to slay it. The few that aren’t are so completely insane that they rarely see the elven sword that kills them. My rangers have told me this. They say it has been like this since time immemorial. They say, though, that sometimes the humans that wander into these woods are mad, and sometimes not. That was when I looked into our past and discovered K’elden Oakbower’s legacy.”

 

            “The spell?” asked Lia. Silvanost nodded

 

“Yes, the spell. It is a type of shield. I am not sure off all that it is capable of or what it can do exactly, but I do know that it protects us and it is one of the most powerful spells to have ever been cast. I think it rivals even some of the Hidden One’s spells and technologies. We are the only elven homeland to have this spell.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because of K’elden Oakbower and the Fallen Ones, the dark elves. If you remember your history Lia, you would know that ten thousand years ago, one hundred or so elven generations, there was a war between the elves. A war that was so horrendous that it split the elven people into its myriad of tribes and races and even more sadly caused some to forsake the sun completely and flee underground.”

 

            Lia snorted. “Please, papa. Everyone knows that the dark elves are just a myth.” Silvanost smiled wanly, the lamplight glittering like dew on his fine, blond-white hair. He was thinking of Khale and his eldest daughter Moira. Moira had certainly learned to believe in dark elves.

 

            “They are real and they fell because of what they did. They live in the darkness now for that is the only place to conceal the blackness of their souls. They were nobility once. In fact, part of the Oakbower house now lives underground in their dark city, Night. But that is a long and tragic story, and one I will tell later. You must know that those elves that have fallen, their ancestors were planning on the extermination of the human race. They did horrible things to the villages that used to border this forest. What they did still haunts the humans to this day, although I do not think they remember why they call us the demons of the forest. But regardless, the atrocity that was committed so long ago still resonates and we are still paying for. But I digress.”

 

“Those nobles had convinced all of the other elves in the empire to follow their example or stay out of the way. Many could not stomach the genocide and did not take part, but there were so few who stepped forward to stop it. To speak for what was right. To speak for peace. K’elden Oakbower was one. And he was murdered for it.”

 

 “For wanting to protect the humans? Well, I would have been mad at him, too,” said Lia, her face bright and angry.

 

Silvanost’s mouth twitched as he looked at his youngest daughter. “I suppose in my youth, I, too, would have been angry at K’elden. But not now, not after seeing what I have seen. Blood is too precious a liquid to spill so easily and K’elden knew that. But his wanting to protect the humans wasn’t the only reason. K’elden had bigger plans. He wanted to stop war forever. He wanted everyone to understand everyone else. He wanted an everlasting peace, and he had made a spell which he thought might just bring that about.”

 

            “The spell on our forest?”

 

            “Yes, in part. But I think that mostly what guards the forest is the spirit of K’elden himself. No, the spell I think is what binds us all together, we elves that live in this forest. K’elden’s intention was to bind every heart in this area to the other, elven and human alike. But before he could do that, he was slain by his traitorous brother and thus his spell was left unfinished. Peace was stopped and so the elven nation was dissolved and now only the people of this forest have the gift that K’elden had intended for everyone, human and elf alike.”

 

            “That’s horrible! Why would his brother kill him because he wanted to make everyone like each other?”

 

            Silvanost was about to reply when a guard burst into the room.

 

            “Sir,” said the woman, her eyes wide beneath her battle helm, “ Lord Altaris requests your presence. He thinks that you really need to see this—I , he--it just appeared, milord. Right out of nowhere! We have no idea how it got through our defenses.”

 

            Silvanost heaved a sigh of irritation. “Well, it would seem that there is a problem I must attend to.” Lia struggled to make her way from the bed sheets. Silvanost frowned and Lia paused when she saw the dark expression on her father’s face.

 

“But father!”

           

            “No buts. Besides you will have to be up for training in a few short hours. Before dawn. And you will not miss training. So go to sleep.” And with that he took up his unicorn-headed staff and followed the guard.

 

            “Where is Lord Altaris?”

 

            “In the outermost court, sire.”

 

            “Well, then, let us go to him.”

           

            The guard nodded and put her hand on her sword as she led her king to the balcony where Sir Altaris waited. Silvanost saw her motion and frowned grimly. He wondered what could possibly have gotten through his wards that upset one of his soldiers so. There was not much that could unsettle one of his guards.

 

            “Sire, I am so glad you could come,” said a smooth, mellifluous voice.

 

            “Well, Altaris this had better be good. I was in the middle of a history lesson when your soldier interrupted me.” Altaris scowled.

 

            “Well excuse me for thinking this important, but apparently something gating into the middle of your castle is just so commonplace and ordinary that it shouldn’t even have been mentioned to my liege. I do apologize. Shall I just go down there and ask the visitor to leave then, sire?”

 

            Altaris pointed and Silvanost saw a hooded figure standing in the middle of the courtyard that the balcony overlooked. It was taller than an elf and Silvanost’s mage sight confirmed what Altaris had told him. Whoever was down there had not only gotten past the wards but had managed to gate in. Silvanost could see the tendrils of power still swirling around the figure and the outline of the magical gate still shimmered faintly in the air.

 

            “I suppose we should find out what it wants,” muttered Silvanost.  The elf king  was about to call out to the strange figure when Altaris tore off his helm and jumped the balcony, landing gracefully, sword drawn, in the courtyard below.

 

            “Well, I was going to ask nicely, but I suppose that hothead has a better idea,” grumbled Silvanost. Altaris was his steadfast friend and protector, the most loyal elf in all the realms, and he liked to prove it.

 

            “I am a knight of this realm and sworn protector of this kingdom. I command you to show yourself and state your business here or face my sword.” Altaris’s peculiar blade, the Needle, glittered with the cold light of the moon. Before the stranger had time to react to Altaris’s brazen declaration, the warrior had swiftly spun and twirled around the hooded figure. He twisted magnificently in the air and landed with a flourish. The stranger made as if to move, but Altaris’s triumphant smirk stopped the cloaked being. It stood very still, intent upon Altris and his weird sword. Glittering around the figure, like so much spider silk, were the myriad strands of razor wire that Altaris ran through the top of his sword. Altaris pulled the wire taut with his blade and planted the sword in the ground. Silvanost could see his fierce grin from where he stood on the balcony.

 

            “I suggest that you do not move.” The elven knight twitched one of the threads and a scrap of the stranger’s cloak fell away.

 

            “Please…..I need help.” Silvanost’s eyes narrowed. The voice seemed almost elven, more melodic than a normal elf’s, but not human. It spoke common poorly, with an accent that made Silvanost uncomfortable. It reminded him of Khale’s, but Silvanost did not think that the figure could possibly be one of the fallen elves.

 

            “What sort of aid do you seek?” he called. “It is no mean feat to gate into my kingdom like you did. It suggests that you are very powerful. I wonder what help I could give you, stranger . Altaris, I am coming down to talk with our unnamed guest. Please do not cut him into little pieces before I get there.” Altaris shrugged his lean shoulders and flipped a lock of blue hair from his silvery brow.

 

            “As my liege commands.” Silvanost looked at the other two guards that remained on the balcony.

           

            “You there, with bow, stay where you are and cover Altaris. You,” he ordered, pointing at the guard who had originally summoned him, “follow me. It is time we met this mysterious stranger.”

 

            Silvanost hurried down to the lower levels of his castle in the trees and burst through door leading into the outer courtyard. His guard followed him, her sword naked and at the ready. 

 

            Silvanost stopped to watch as Altaris, not content to just let the stranger stand, pulled out yet another piece of the stranger’s cloak with his wires. He had just finished the last leaf on an impressive daisy and Silvanost could see the fine silk of the stranger’s clothes shinning through from underneath the newly patterned garment.

 

            “Altaris, was that necessary?”

 

            “Sire, I thought his cloak was a bit drab. After all, he came to see the king. He should be properly attired.” The stranger in the cloak hissed softly and shifted something that he was holding in his arms.

 

            “Altaris, it appears that he is carrying something. I trust you did not harm it.”

 

            Altaris’s amber colored eyes glittered. “Of course not my king.”

 

            “But you could have.” The stranger’s voice was low and furious. “You could have killed him. If--if they haven’t managed that already.” The man sounded strangled.

 

            Silvanost softened his expression and looked at the figure with sympathy. It was a young voice for all its anger coming from within the depths of the hood. Silvanost heard the pain there and he immediately regretted how he had let Altaris handle the situation.

 

            “Altaris,” Silvanost said, “be so kind as to lower your wire.” Altaris grunted and the wire fell away from the figure like so many cobwebs.

 

            The figure straightened and as he did the robes covering his burden fell away to reveal the figure of an unconscious elven youth. Blood trickled from the corner of his mouth and Silvanost could see scorch marks and soot on his face.

 

            “What happened to him?” asked Silvanost gently.

 

            “They tried to merge them, but I made a deal with him. He promised to spare him. To let him live in exchange for my service.” Silvanost backed up when he realized that the figure was no longer speaking common but a mangled form of elven. A form of elven he had only heard one other being use.

 

            “Fallen elf,” Silvanost hissed. Altaris started. He remembered Khale.

 

            “I fear I am much worse,” replied the figure. Altaris’s response to his lord’s anger was instantaneous. Wire flashed through the air and the figure’s cloak was sliced from his body. The figure stood still as Silvanost and every elf with him gasped in shock, too stunned to do anything but stare. Wings spread from his back and he stood, face raised to the sky as if asking for benediction. He lowered his face and hair the color of lavender fell across his countenance, obscuring his features.

 

            “Take him,” said the winged being as he held out his burden Silvanost gently. Silvanost motioned for his guards to hold their fire and he glared once at Altaris who was making reading to slice the demon in half. Silvanost excepted the youth gently, almost tenderly.

 

            The blue fiend hardly seemed to notice the commotion he had caused and did not even look once at Silvanost in thanks for calling off his guards. Instead he turned to Altaris.

           

“The flower you made on my cloak. What is it called?” His elvish was broken but Altaris understood.

 

            “It’s called a daisy.” Altaris had seen his king’s look and his blade hung loose in his hand.

 

            “Are they common?”

 

            Silvanost looked up from the elven youth he was now holding in wonder. “Yes,” he replied. “Quite.”

 

            The stranger turned and looked at Silvanost and the elven king saw his face clearly for the first time. His mouth fell open and the stranger smiled, showing two sharp fangs.

 

            “That will do then. I leave you, my elven king. May we meet again someday. Or perhaps not, for I think next time you will let your warrior slice me to bits.”

 

            And with that the stranger folded his wings around himself and walked away. Silvanost stared after him.

 

 

Altaris looked at his king and said, “Shall I have one of the guards shoot it sire? They could put a bolt right through its demonic skull.”

 

            Silvanost shook his head. “No Altaris, we will not be killing that one. Tell me, do you think he looked like the statue of K’elden that sits in the great hall?”

 

            Altaris’s jaw fell open in disbelief, and he looked at the elven king as if he had lost his mind. Silvanost shrugged and looked down at the still figure that lay in his arms. One hand uncurled and emblazoned in fine, blue-white script were the words “find me.”

 

            Silvanost smoothed back the youth’s pale pink hair and murmured, “I wonder what the fiend’s story is. I have a feeling that you have even less answers than I.”  Altaris turned to his king, about to say something when he saw the deep, penetrating look on Silvanost’s face.  Silvannost wrapped the youth tighter in his tattered robe and turned and walked with his burden into the castle. Altaris, still dazed finally managed to call for a healer and a lone, winged figure walked the wood’s darkling depths towards dawn.

           

Comments

[rayechu.livejournal.com]

The character list looks really good by the way. Mita is the wolfgirl then?

Just some more stuff from the second reading. As always, just suggestions and you don’t have to use/pay attention to anything you don’t like.



Silvanost Oakbower looked at the frowning face of his adolescent daughter and sighed.

Her ears drooped even further and she pulled her blanket up closer to her small, delicate chin.

-I don’t know. This still seems awkward because even though you say adolescent, the description sounds more like a young child. Especially because of the small chin and blanket pulling. Maybe it would be better to have her flop on her pillow, or pick at the hem on the bed sheet?



“Lia, we are a very old people, and because of that, many would think wise as well, but elves have always been callous towards the ways of the heart. Our long years make it hard for us to see from the perspective of others. The stream of time has carried us further along it banks and thus when we see the world it is from a different shore than others. Most particularly humans. K’elden Oakbower was going to change that.
- I know that there should be quotes at the end of his dialogue here, but I cannot tell if he is saying the bit about humans to himself or not.



How you felt all of the kingdom’s mourning when your mother was slain?”

-I think you need something more in here then just nodding. Probably frowning/closing eyes, looking away, etc.



But elves also must live in the world as well and thus must learn to exist peaceably with its other inhabitants.

-I think you can drop the “but” here.



I am not sure off all that it is capable of or what it can do exactly, but I do know that it protects us and it is one of the most powerful spells to have ever been cast.
-of



But regardless, the atrocity that was committed so long ago still resonates and we are still paying for. But I digress.
-End quotes needed here? (I can’t remember all the rules)
-double use of still. Maybe use continue?



But before he could do that, he was killed by his traitorous brother. He was stopped.

-He was stopped, murdered by his own traitorous brother, maybe?



Silvanost heaved a sigh of irritation. “Well, it would seem that there is a problem I must attend to.” Lia struggled to make her way from the bed sheets. Silvanost frowned and Lia paused when she saw the dark expression on her father’s face.

-This reads much better. I like how she just stops from his look.



Before dawn. Before it is light.
- Two too short sentences in a row.



“Well, I was going to ask nicely, but I suppose that hothead has a better idea,” grumbled Silvanost. Altaris was the best fighter in all the realms and he liked to prove it.

-freaking sweet!



“Before the stranger had time to react to Altaris’s brazen declaration, the warrior had swiftly spun and twirled around the hooded figure. He twisted magnificently in the air and landed with a flourish. The stranger made as if to move, but Altaris’s triumphant smirk stopped the cloaked being in its track. Glittering around the figure, like so much spider silk, were the myriad strands of razor wire that Altaris ran through the top of his sword. Altaris pulled the wire taut with his blade and planted the sword in the ground. Silvanost could see his fierce grin from where he stood on the balcony.

-Ah the original was good, but the rework is so much better!



“I wonder what the fiend’s story is. I have a feeling that you have even less answers than I.”
- Since he is talking aloud to Kiriel, I would stick a question mark after is. The next sentence feels a little rushed so maybe you could have an action set in-between the two? Maybe the hair falling back in his eyes, or him bundling him in the cloak/shifting him/ etc.

[darkelf105.livejournal.com]

Again, excellent suggestions. 90% of good writing is in the editing. I shall print out your suggestions and we will see what we can do :).

[rayechu.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I was trying to remember all the English mules and such as I was reading too.

[rayechu.livejournal.com]

Good good! And that really should be rules.

[darkelf105.livejournal.com]

Man, I just reread that just now and saw ALL the typos. Damnation. Oh well, I guess I should update the journal, too, but I am far to lazy for that....