Quasi Modo Face.....Beware Heartfelt, Heartfelt Obscenities

[darkelf105]

So I ITCH. HORRIBLY. I woke up at seven fucking thirty this morning and my face is on fire.....I have Quasi FUCKING MODO FACE!!!!!! My left eye is swelled shut, the left side of my face is puffy and itchy and red.....and this is BEFORE I PUT THE GODDAMN CONTACT  (THAT'S RIGHT SINGURLAR CUZ THE OTHER EYE IS SO FUCKING SWOLLEN...LIKE PUFFER FISH CHEEKS OR WHATEVER) in and then I run to my parents bedroom and jump in the middle of their bed and start screaming WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY FACE. PLEASE TELL ME I DON'T HAVE QUASI MODO FACE! But I do. I can't get both my contacts in, which means I can't drive....then the other eye starts swelling so I take the other contact out...Now at this point normal people relax and grab their glasses.....except I don't HAVE  a pair of goddamn glasses because mine fell apart in a magic fucking Mister Magoo moment in class. One fucking stem fell out, then the other and then the goddamn motherfucking lenses, ALL AT ONCE. WHY? DON'T KNOW. THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING HATES ME. So then I call my co-worker to to tell her to that I will not be at work because I have Quasi FUCKING Modo Face and can't see. So then at this point I call to make a doctors appointment. They can't get me for another two fucking hours, but they don't understand I HAVE MOTHERFUCKING QUASI MODO FACE. My lips are puffy, my eyes are bulging, sorta, the welts are spreading and I ITCH. I ITCH LIKE A FLEA RIDDEN CAMEL AND I HAVE CAMEL LIPS, AND I HATE ALL OF YOU WHO ARE LAUGHING. YOUR FACE IS NOT SWOLLEN QUASI MODO FACE! So then because Quais Modo face is scaring the hell out of me, I call boyfriend, who laughs, says he will be right over to take me to the doctors. Real reason for his alacrity to taking me to the doctors, wants to see Quasi Modo Face. Call best friend, what does rayechu do, laughs. AT QUASI MODO FACE. So then I just sit around and the MOTHERFUCKING CRAPS FROM HELL START, AGAIN.  It's like my body decided "BITCH, I HATE YOU. YOU ARE GOING DOWN. First I am going to afflict you with snot factory disease....Okay so the motherfucking plague didn't get you down, fine lets do the period from HELL next. You're mother fucking ovaries are gonna pogo across your intestines and your GODDMAN WOMb IS GOING TO FEEL LIKE SOMEONE IS WRINGING OUT A MOTHERFUCKING BLOODY ASS SOCK....Still doesn't make you quit, bitch? FINE QUASI MODO FACE, QUASI MODO FACE. FUCK YOU BITCH, FUCK YOU. I've had it with you HIVES FOR YOU, because YOU SUCK Katie and I, your body, am gonna be the first person to let you know how truly bad you SUCK. Take that." QUASI MODO FACE. So then boyfriend picks me up, sees face...and laughs. Then comforting things boyfriend says
rokk_lobster and I quote

"Don't worry, it's just your face."

"What did you do, roll around in like a pile of leaves, cuz you know, it's like something you would do."

"Well, QUASI MODO FACE makes your death glares WAAAAAAAAY more effective."

"It's just a temporary disfigurement, right?"

And then fucking TOP GUN STUPID ASS LOVE SONG COME ON OVER THE OFFICE SPEAKERS. EXCEPT IT IS LIKE PORNO-MUZAK-OFFICE FILLER TOP GUN STUPID ASS LOVE SONG, COMPLETE WITH HARPS AND SOPRANO SAX. DEATH DEATH DEATH. Then I go to fill my prescription and find out the the insurance company does not believe I am still in school (even though I faxed them my scedule two, count them two months ago) and that I am twenty-two so I am off my parents' insurance. So now I have to PAY 111.45 TO GET THE MEDICINE THAT IS GOING TO FIX QUASI MODO FACE. SO I do because if you had QUASI MODO FACE YOU WOULD EITHER A) FIX OR B)  BURN IT WITH FIRE. SO I GO AND PICK MY DRUGS UP AND THEY ARE FOR REAL BENEDRYL AND ALLEGRA.......I AM SOOOOOO PISSED. COULDA BOUGHT THEM OVER THA COUNTER CHEAPER. NOW I AM BROKE AND I AM THINKING WELL IF THIS IS LIKE PERMANENT CUZ BENEDRYL AND ALLEGRA SEEM TO HAVE DROPPED THE MOTHERFUCKING BALL AND I STILL HAVE QUASI MODO FACE, I at least can be a bellringer, cuz working at the library with QUASI MODO FACE IS OUT. NO ONE WOULD COME TO ME BECAUSE THEY WOULD BE LIKE "LOOK AT THAT CHICK, DUDE, MAN, THAT SHIT MIGHT BE CONTAGIOUS." But I could be the bellringer, right? WRONG. Because ringing the motherfucking bells would require one to be up before two p.m and be on time, neither of which I am capable of. So In conclusion, I am  motherfucking QUASI MODA (CUZ I AM CHICK) AND I AM UNEMPLOYED.

Comments

[rayechu.livejournal.com]

I'm not laughing at you or your condition, it's the way you tell it.
Sucks about the insurance thing though, they did that to me once and my strep throat medicine was $300.00. Actually you are much nicer then me. I definitely would have waited until Ryan laughed, then licked him and said something along the lines of hoping it's contagious.

[lady-bell.livejournal.com]

Oh my. I am sorry to hear of all of this. I was very depressed and full of anger when I had a big ugly rash from a bacteria infection earlier this summer. The first doctor I saw told me I had mites, and you betcha that made me super psychotic. But anyways, may your stuff get better swiftly. It sounds like an allergic reaction. Definitely wash all your pillows. Any new soap/lotion/make-up and such you were using on your face just before this? As for swelling and itching, some hydrocortisone cream could help. And sorry, not trying to scare you here, but if you're paranoid like me and watch too much medical mystery t.v., maybe you could give Baby a bath. Perhaps she picked something up from outside? Oh man, typical insurance bastards! I had to send mine my class schedule again too and wait for them to reimburse me the money.

Hang in there, ma dear. Be you temporarily disfigured or not, we luvs you and your angry obscenities! May the chocobo provide you amusement as it does me :)