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darkelf105Toby Marcos twisted frantically in the sunlight that poured over his grandfather’s farm. He was standing in the hard packed yard that stood between the darkened barn and the farm house. He shook himself like an angry dog, but it was to no avail; no matter which way he squirmed or jumped or turned, his shadow was still missing. It made no sense. People did not just lose their shadows. Toby gulped back panic and stood very still in the afternoon sun. He furrowed his brow and tugged at the metal studs in his ears.
“This has to be a dream.” His voice cracked in adolescent uncertainty. The warble in his throat betrayed what he knew to be true. It wasn’t really a dream and his shadow was not there.
“You’re in some trouble, kiddo.” Toby whirled around, his heart shuddering wildly in his throat, mouth dry. Someone else had seen. But who? His grandfather had gone to town early this morning and was not due back till sunset, and besides, no one lived on the farm but his grandfather and himself. The voice had been female.
He peered into the shadows of the dilapidated barn. His grandfather’s cat Fang, was sitting daintily in the shade of the barn door. Other than the cat, who yawned in apparent boredom and began grooming herself with a neat, pink tongue, there was no one. Toby gulped in air and began to tentatively make his way towards the barn. Whoever she was, she had to be in there--hiding with his secret.
Fang stopped grooming herself for a moment and flicked a glance his way. Her eyes sparked greenly as she said, “There isn’t anyone in there.” Tobias stared. There was no way the cat was talking to him.
“You don’t have a shadow and you’re surprised that I’m talking to you?” she said, pausing to inspect a small, clawed paw.
“I, um, well, um. You’re a cat.”
“Good boy. Now what does a cow say? Since we seem to be covering the basics and all.”
“I, uh---Oh God. I’m dreaming. I really am.”
“Sure. This is all just a nightmare. What, are you stupid?”
Tobias backed away from Fang slowly, as if she were a dangerous animal that might strike at any time. He raised his hands in a feeble attempt to ward off the cats barbed remarks. When Fang appeared for all the world to raise an impatient eyebrow, Tobias’s calm shattered and he ran.
He ran without thinking, without pause. He flew past the old cow pastures; their broken fences hanging horribly awry in weed choked squares. He ran past the creek and past the dirt path that wound its dusty length round Cemetery Hill. He finally came to a jagged halt when he reached the gloomy depths of the oak forest that bordered his grandfather’s property.
He bent double, arms clutching his heaving sides, trying to keep his vision clear as he choked for air. This was not happening. This was a nightmare. But why wasn’t he waking up. Toby looked anxiously behind him, not knowing what he was more scared to see, whether Fang had followed him, or whether his shadow was still absent.
A sharp cry, like a trapped bird, escaped his throat when he saw that his shadow was not there, but neither was Fang. Toby was not certain why he was suddenly scared that cat was not there.
He gulped, his breathing slowing, his thoughts starting to clear. He must be either dreaming or going insane. Those were the only two explanations for what he thought he was seeing and hearing. The only two possibilities. Right?
But as his thoughts stopped whirling and came into focus, a third possibility entered his tired mind. What if what was happening was real? What if he wasn’t insane, dreaming, or hallucinating? What if he really didn’t have a shadow and Fang really had spoken to him. No, no way. Panic rose in him on black wings and he felt like screaming. He squashed the thought and calmed his agitated breathing again. He couldn’t panic. He had to consider the options in front of him.
If he was dreaming, eventually he had to wake up. So that wasn’t that bad. His gut, however, told him he wasn’t going to wake up because he wasn’t asleep. This wasn’t a dream. Which meant he was either insane or it was real. He didn’t really want to think about either possibility.
“This has to be a dream.” His voice cracked in adolescent uncertainty. The warble in his throat betrayed what he knew to be true. It wasn’t really a dream and his shadow was not there.
“You’re in some trouble, kiddo.” Toby whirled around, his heart shuddering wildly in his throat, mouth dry. Someone else had seen. But who? His grandfather had gone to town early this morning and was not due back till sunset, and besides, no one lived on the farm but his grandfather and himself. The voice had been female.
He peered into the shadows of the dilapidated barn. His grandfather’s cat Fang, was sitting daintily in the shade of the barn door. Other than the cat, who yawned in apparent boredom and began grooming herself with a neat, pink tongue, there was no one. Toby gulped in air and began to tentatively make his way towards the barn. Whoever she was, she had to be in there--hiding with his secret.
Fang stopped grooming herself for a moment and flicked a glance his way. Her eyes sparked greenly as she said, “There isn’t anyone in there.” Tobias stared. There was no way the cat was talking to him.
“You don’t have a shadow and you’re surprised that I’m talking to you?” she said, pausing to inspect a small, clawed paw.
“I, um, well, um. You’re a cat.”
“Good boy. Now what does a cow say? Since we seem to be covering the basics and all.”
“I, uh---Oh God. I’m dreaming. I really am.”
“Sure. This is all just a nightmare. What, are you stupid?”
Tobias backed away from Fang slowly, as if she were a dangerous animal that might strike at any time. He raised his hands in a feeble attempt to ward off the cats barbed remarks. When Fang appeared for all the world to raise an impatient eyebrow, Tobias’s calm shattered and he ran.
He ran without thinking, without pause. He flew past the old cow pastures; their broken fences hanging horribly awry in weed choked squares. He ran past the creek and past the dirt path that wound its dusty length round Cemetery Hill. He finally came to a jagged halt when he reached the gloomy depths of the oak forest that bordered his grandfather’s property.
He bent double, arms clutching his heaving sides, trying to keep his vision clear as he choked for air. This was not happening. This was a nightmare. But why wasn’t he waking up. Toby looked anxiously behind him, not knowing what he was more scared to see, whether Fang had followed him, or whether his shadow was still absent.
A sharp cry, like a trapped bird, escaped his throat when he saw that his shadow was not there, but neither was Fang. Toby was not certain why he was suddenly scared that cat was not there.
He gulped, his breathing slowing, his thoughts starting to clear. He must be either dreaming or going insane. Those were the only two explanations for what he thought he was seeing and hearing. The only two possibilities. Right?
But as his thoughts stopped whirling and came into focus, a third possibility entered his tired mind. What if what was happening was real? What if he wasn’t insane, dreaming, or hallucinating? What if he really didn’t have a shadow and Fang really had spoken to him. No, no way. Panic rose in him on black wings and he felt like screaming. He squashed the thought and calmed his agitated breathing again. He couldn’t panic. He had to consider the options in front of him.
If he was dreaming, eventually he had to wake up. So that wasn’t that bad. His gut, however, told him he wasn’t going to wake up because he wasn’t asleep. This wasn’t a dream. Which meant he was either insane or it was real. He didn’t really want to think about either possibility.
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no subject
on 2006-10-12 12:41 am (UTC)Hmmm, yes, I would most definately read, though, (unless I am unaware and it was meant to seem this way) I must say, I disagree with Fang's mean words. Or maybe I would just like to believe that my fuzzy cute little baby kitty wouldn't be mean to the poor scared confused child.
But I like. I want to know what happens...
no subject
on 2006-10-12 01:32 am (UTC)Haven't read it yet...
on 2006-10-12 01:02 pm (UTC)Are you kidding? Of course I'll proof read it.
For the moment, I must type up the poems I wrote for class.
Lol.
I couldn't do just one because I had two ideas that wouldn't leave me alone.
I still don't know which one I'll turn in.
Anywho, I'll get back to this and check it out.
no subject
on 2006-10-13 03:21 pm (UTC)You have him both twisting and standing at the same time. Now I can see how you would be standing and twisting... but the two words sound a little funny so close together. I think you might even be able to keep both if you rearrange the lines so the standing comes before the twisting, but he talks like the twisting just happened.
That is three hes in the first paragraph and it just seems like too much.
We already talked about pacing so I won't go over it again.
Here you have some great lines that really convey how panicky and scared he is. But I feel like I loose that emotion when you are stopping to describe Fang and her tounge and such. Is there a way you can get fang in a little earlier so you can describe her when Toby isn't having a panic attack? (Oh! A thought... what if you have him at one point looking for the shadow and the cat walks by casting a shadow and providing him momentary relief until he releases it is not really his shadow? This would let Fang get a little more personal with the problem, then just noticing from far away he has no shadow.)
This line to me seems a little clunky. I know this is going to be hard to get right, so I can't really suggest anything better, but I would work on this a little.
Right before here you have a situation where he is scared and running without thinking, but still processing all these very accurate descriptions. Maybe you could take the trying to keep it clear and make it blinking to make it clear, because when you get upset and run fast your eyes get all watery. (At least mine do.)
I think these should be ended with question marks.
Also after he is doubled over does he ever stand up completely? Or is he going to flop in the grass? Rest against a tree? It seems like his body is not really doing anything for the second half of the page.
no subject
on 2006-10-15 06:15 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2006-10-15 10:33 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2006-10-16 02:27 am (UTC)I like it. Sorry I can't think of any constructive criticism. Nicky's suggestions are really good. I wouldn't have thought of them myself, but I see what she's saying. I like your details. It's enough to picture what's happening, but not too much that it would strain my ADD mind to keep reading, like some book I really hated from 6th grade :P